Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 308

Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.

Happiness is overrated.

You might be a redneck if you use your fishing license as a form of ID.

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

My wife gave me a book before we got married, Oh, the Places You'll Go!, by Dr. Seuss. She was trying to tell me something, about what I was capable of, but I didn't get it. Over time, I've sort of lived the message in that book, and I couldn't have without what golf taught me. So I put it in my bag while I played the Old Course, and on the last hole when I posed on the Swilcan Bridge, I held it up.

It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.