Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 308

Kiefer Sutherland is spending the holidays behind bars, so for Christmas he’ll need crossword puzzles, stationery, magazines, a cork and a rape whistle.

I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot…hotter than Jemaine . You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice the Food Network is far more interesting when you're hungry? When you're full you're like "This is stupid..." But when you are hungry the Food Network's like porn. You're like "Oh yeah...whip it up baby! Make it for me!" It is a little embarassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network..."What are you watching?" "Uh, the Food Network..." "Well, why are you pants off?" "I like food...a lot."

Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back…

There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine - this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.

'Raising awareness' is another form of doing nothing!