Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 309
Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, "Are you sure it’s a chest cold?" Never got a dinner!
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.'
If I know your sexuality within the first thirty-seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.
Kiefer Sutherland is spending the holidays behind bars, so for Christmas he’ll need crossword puzzles, stationery, magazines, a cork and a rape whistle.
Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
Give me tired old whore porn... I can imagine she would at least fuck you well.
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."