Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 311
We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, "who's that?" I say, "that's Jesus". He says, "baby Jesus?!" I say, "yeah, that's him". He says, "somebody killed baby Jesus!" It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. "what? The bastards killed Jesus!"
Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.
You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.
At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!
When I saw people dancing to it in jeans that had been dry-cleaned and cowboy boats and you're in New York City - that's when I said hand guns should be legal.
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."
When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.
Sometimes It feels like the world is just being mean, like when it’s windy out. I’ll just be walking down the street and it’s like the world saying to me "Hey, you like air? Yeah? Yeah? You need that to breathe? Here’s some fucking air right in your face, there you go. Breathe up, stupid."
Most people that you talk to, they's intelligent. Like I said, "Most people."
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.