Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 311

Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

I went out there, and she was playing some theater.

Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one-except the Lord."

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?

I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, goddammit! It was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! I don't fucking need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Thank you for remembering me. I'm also happy to be accepting this trophy before I become incontinent.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

You might be a redneck if... you've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.