Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 312
The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
Now I'm starting to jog. But every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next '1' ready to be launched in case I drop.
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
If I go over there I might have a heart attack when I see he’s dead. If I stay, I might have a heart attack just from the suspense of not knowing. So, whether I stay or I go, I go.
Sometimes you're talkin' and a little bit of spit flies out. You see it floating in the sky and land on 'em. You both see it happen and you go "Ooooh" you're thinkin' "Woops I got him!" He's thinking "Woops he got me!" But no one says anything. Because it's a secret. If his spit lands on me I don't do anything, I don't wipe it straight away, because I don't wanna embarass them. Hey, I've got his spit on my face and I'm worried about his feelings. You go "Sorry Carl" and I go "Nah, nah it's alright, I love being spat on."
I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.
I don't know why I try to talk about politics publicly when I have no idea what I'm talking about. I feel like I should be auditioning for 'The View.'
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.
I think there could be a way where it can be allowed, regulated, taxed and looked at as a positive for California in a place where we’re giving out IOU’s, baby!
Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, "Are you sure it’s a chest cold?" Never got a dinner!
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
I'd much rather have AIDS than a baby... They're not that different at all. They're both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they're constant reminders of the mistakes you've made and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them.