Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 318
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.
The other thing is that I’m a pretty moody guy, but no one really wants to see a normal-looking guy complain about things or talk about being unhappy. That’s hard. Most people are like, ‘Well, you have all your hair and you’re tall, so why are you unhappy?’ That can be limiting.
When I'm up there, and I know the show's coming to a close, in my head I'm saying to myself, Oh man, you gotta get off and be a normal person again. That's what I don't like so much.
Everybody needs a prenuptial agreement. People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup. Oh no! You got 20 million and your wife want 10, big deal! You ain’t starvin’. But if you make 30,000… and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her.
You’re not a bunch of people lock-stepped with the politically correct. Oh no! Don’t shoot the animals! They might get their feelings hurt!
You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'
Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of shit, I'm going half-empty. I don't like shit as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty shit glass right here."