Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 318

During the riots, blacks and Mexicans showed how smart we are. They told us where to go steal shit. We ran to K-Mart, loaded up with shit. Walked out the door. And then we did interviews with evidence in our hands. I'm watching the news going, "Fuck Armando! Put the radio down!"

I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did when you were little. I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus. They act like I dropped the baby Jesus. So now, they still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby. Let me see the baby.' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

People will bitch about anything. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even have to necessarily be a serious topic like religion. It could be anything and people will have a problem. I’m telling you! It could be anything.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

But puberty was… well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite ‘cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!

I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.