Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 322
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.
A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That's got to make next year New Year's resolution easier to keep. "I'm going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate."
I was raised half-Jewish and half-Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned… and you know my attorney, Mr. Cohen.”
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.
Fatherhood means a great deal to me. I love it. To me, there aint nothing better, because your kids keep it real with you. When you think things are bad, you look at them and they show you how things could be all right, and it's all worth it.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
While all the other kids were out playing ball and stuff, I used to stay in my room and imagine that there was a camera in the wall. And I used to really believe that I was putting on a television show and that it was going out to somewhere in the world.
Saying “yes” doesn’t mean I don’t know how to say no, and saying “please” doesn’t mean I am waiting for permission.