Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 333
God, maybe instead of resting on the seventh day you should of thought about compassion.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!
I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”
My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain.'
Your career and your passion don’t always match up. Plenty of talented people don’t have the careers they want. Plenty of untalented people make millions and make movies. There is a difference between determination and talent.
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
Jen said she'd never ever see me again. When I saw her again, she said it again.
Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.
You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.