Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 333

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.

You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, ‘you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins,' and nobody in the room just goes, 'Ahahaha! Son of a bitch! That was great!'

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant. Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist but you lovely bitches and hos should know I'm trying to correct this.

Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!

Change is such hard work.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Now I have a fax machine. I never had one before, and I might have to admit, I'm excited to use it. But the problem is, I don't really have anything to fax. I mean, take a good look at me. Do I look like I have any documents that need to be somewhere in a hurry?

Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you're the one who stops yourself.