Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 332
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
I'd like to protect children, too, but… is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good. … They've midwived a lot of good ideas… lot of great songs, you know? I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. … I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it.
If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swim next time, Ok Jerry?
You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks, sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand it. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble.
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!
The biggest waste of brainpower is to want to change something that's not changeable.