Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 334

Edible underwear?… even during sex, we can't stop eating.

Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

For a long time, because it goes against the message that the advertising world sends to you, they were ashamed they didn't have the coolest clothes, the coolest cars, couldn't afford to go here, buy this and do that. I think we finally all got together and went, 'You know what? We like being this way.'

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

I was out with this girl; I bought some drinks. We went back to my hotel room, she starts throwing up the drinks that I bought all over the hotel room; it was very upsetting. It was like she was throwing up my money on my money.

My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant. Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist but you lovely bitches and hos should know I'm trying to correct this.

On New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up 'til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.

People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.