Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 334

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

Taking a call girl to an STD fair... there's a joke here.

You've got guys in charge of shows who probably went to school for chemistry, and now they're executive producers.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Don't fucking work hard you die at the end, didn't anyone ever tell you that?

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school.

Credit-card debt and day trading-I feel like Michael Corleone in Godfather III, just when I think out, they pull me back in.

My name has zero value.

Jewish comics today are less jokey. Their humor comes at the end, rather than as in Vaudeville where the jokes came at you.

I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.