Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 336

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.

You ever pull out money too big in front of a homeless dude? You're like, 'Let me give you some - oh, shit.' He like, 'Give me that $100.' 'No, here's some pennies.'

I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

I saw a bloke the other day talking to himself. So I tried to listen but I couldn't hear him. But the weird part is while I was watching him I was going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there." There's another bloke looking at me going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there."

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!

Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. You should expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime. Humans are always evolving. If you do one thing that if done by every human would destroy the world, that makes you Hitler... I don't live by any of those. But I believe them all very strongly.