Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 336
I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.
I urge you to ask yourself just how honorable it is to preside over the abuse and suffering of animals.
You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!
Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.
Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.
Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!
They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.
I saw a bloke the other day talking to himself. So I tried to listen but I couldn't hear him. But the weird part is while I was watching him I was going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there." There's another bloke looking at me going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there."
When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'
The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
You’re not a bunch of people lock-stepped with the politically correct. Oh no! Don’t shoot the animals! They might get their feelings hurt!
I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.