Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 337

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.

Credit-card debt and day trading-I feel like Michael Corleone in Godfather III, just when I think out, they pull me back in.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

My teacher was by and large.... but anyway.

It’s always weird when I go out with some money and black out and wake up with no money. But it was a lot weirder to go out with some money, black out and wake up with more money. That meant that I had earned money. That meant that I had traded goods and/or services… and blacked out. It’s not anything wholesome. It’s not like I was temping at a real estate office.

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

Now I have a fax machine. I never had one before, and I might have to admit, I'm excited to use it. But the problem is, I don't really have anything to fax. I mean, take a good look at me. Do I look like I have any documents that need to be somewhere in a hurry?

You tried to kiss me. I know you have $40. Thank you all so very, very, very much. You are the best! Thank you!. We did it, team. We did it. Good night, America. Good night, San Francisco. Good night, foreign countries with distribution from Comedy Central. I will now leave energetically to match your energy!

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to life your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’

Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

You have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln and all the charm of the man who shot him.

I was hanging out with my little nephew, and the kid - he had a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, some shin guards, gloves. Talk about, 'I'm a go ride my bike.' I'm like, 'Where - through a mine field?'

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

You might be a redneck if directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."