Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 337

(Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 72 virgins upon arrival in heaven) The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.

I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?

People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.

If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.

For a long time, because it goes against the message that the advertising world sends to you, they were ashamed they didn't have the coolest clothes, the coolest cars, couldn't afford to go here, buy this and do that. I think we finally all got together and went, 'You know what? We like being this way.'

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Don’t thank the lord, I gave you that compliment… Thank me.

A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.

Here's a way to break up an astrological love-fest: you just stick your head in the middle of the people and go, 'Uh, you know, Hitler was a Sagittarius.'

They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it’s nice to know my son’s going to grow up and have huge breasts but it’s not going to bother him that much.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?