Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 338

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour - nothing - just fast forwarding: can't do that, can't do that - I know I can't do that. This woman in a soothing voice: 'Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.'

They have the x-ray area. I don't mind going through it, but I get tired of the businessmen who make way too big a deal out of their computers. 'Excuse me, I have a computer. I have a computer here. I don't know how you're going to handle this - my computer.' Oh, is he from the future? They've been around a while, pal. I think they have a way to handle your computation machine.

I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

I`ve got two children. To be honest I always wanted 3 children.<br /> Now I`ve got two, I only want one.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.

It’s fine if you want to be a feminist, but I think 5 AM after the bar closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox. “Men just want to fuck.” It’s five in the morning, everybody wants to. That’s why they stayed out ‘til five because it didn’t happen at two.

He was wearing a velvet shirt open to the navel. And he didn't have one. Which is either a show business gimmick, or the ultimate rejection of mother.

I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.

You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks, sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand it. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble.