Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 343
A friend of mine who works for naval intelligence said an aerial satellite revealed that 1.9 million attended the event in 1995. But if they would have had a rumble at the march the newspapers would have said that 75 million Afro-Americans were there.
I’m on my version of the protein diet, but there ain’t no protein in it. It’s a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The real terrorist threats are George W. Bush and his band of brown-shirted thugs.
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.
Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!
Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.
But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.
You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?
When people didn't know me and I was doing stand-up. That's when I was most creative.
I like to work on New Year's Eve. It has a nice spirit; a nice feel about it. If you are all about the 'year-end' thing at all, then laughing with fellow human beings is a great way to start the new year.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.