Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 344
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, "I've decided to wait for the circus to come."
You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.
Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the bottom line is that it isn't governments place. You own your body. No legislation should infringe on that.
The real terrorist threats are George W. Bush and his band of brown-shirted thugs.
Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm, that's it okay? You come, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep you get up in the morning and go to fucking work okay? That is it, end of fucking list!
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
Long John Silver's wife, Short, who said to John, "If the shoe fits..." Never got a dinner!
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
You can't be bad ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos.
What is dumber than a blind person with a gun? The idiot who handed them the gun. Where do you hide from a blind person with a gun? How do you make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?