Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 344
It’s fine if you want to be a feminist, but I think 5 AM after the bar closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox. “Men just want to fuck.” It’s five in the morning, everybody wants to. That’s why they stayed out ‘til five because it didn’t happen at two.
Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! … I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! … Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! … Blind the bitch, blind the bitch!"
Oh aye... my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, "Have ye had enough?" Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? "Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question?"
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.
A few days ago, it was my birthday, and it was in the newspaper, and growing up I never would have guessed that a) my name would be in the newspaper, and b) that I might outlast those papers.
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour - nothing - just fast forwarding: can't do that, can't do that - I know I can't do that. This woman in a soothing voice: 'Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.'
It’s very easy to attack ourselves. Even comforting in its familiarity, but you must resist this urge at all costs. Dwelling on the past or your perceived flaws will do nothing but keep you under emotional house arrest and hamper your progress. Commit yourself to growth and reward yourself with kindness for choosing to do so!
Long John Silver's wife, Short, who said to John, "If the shoe fits..." Never got a dinner!
Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"
With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.