Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 348
Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.
I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.
Being a Jewish comic today is a lot different than it was years ago. In fact I changed my name from Dudy to David when I first started to make my name less ethnic. Years later, agents urged me to change my name to something shorter and less Jewish and I told them I had already done that.
Black people drink lots of beer. However, you won't see us skiing down a mountain for one, or see us diving for Frisbees on concrete for one.
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
A lot of the comedians nowadays just do comedy as a stepping stone. Take for example Dane Cook. The guy is huge. The main reason he got into it is to do what he is doing now: film and television work.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
I got spotted in Greggs the bakers. The girl went: ‘We never get anyone off the telly in here.’ Which was a lie. Half of fucking Fat Club were by the pasties.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.
When I first got into this biz called show, I decided I was going to change my name, make it more Hollywood. And you know how you do that? You take your middle name and the first street that you ever lived on. So when I first started, I actually went by Sue Rural Route 2.
And if I am crying, it's not cuz of you, it's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine, who you don't know, who is dying, that's right dying.