Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 348
The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
It's kind of a dream come true, because we've always loved these films. We've loved this character, and now we have the opportunity to not remake the movie, but to play these characters. It's like playing Hamlet.
My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
On New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up 'til midnight and watch their hopes drop.
Comic-Con starts today. It’s a four-day celebration of science fiction and comics. Every year, an army of geeks descends on San Diego. If you live anywhere other than San Diego and you need a computer fixed, you’re screwed.
His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.
As far as guys who perform onstage, I love Chris Rock. I'm kind of jaded on everyone else.
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?