Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 349
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered: "Hey, why not you Roseanne?" Indeed, why not each of us?
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.
I'm a huge filmstar... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first fifteen fucking minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a fucking Muppet movie.
I don’t think there’s anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.
I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.
They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, for £9.2 billion they could have written “Fuck off Germany” onto the moon.
You'd think all of these "atypical" somethings would add up to a typical something.
Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.
Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!
It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.