Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 350
It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it’s nice to know my son’s going to grow up and have huge breasts but it’s not going to bother him that much.
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
Brian, relax, man. You’ve gotta relax when you make the crank calls.
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
A girl's legs are her best friends... but even the best of friends must part.
Hawaii is the best form of comfort for me. When I die, I want to be cremated, and I want half my ashes spread in the Pacific around the island, the rest on the property.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
She wrote me this beautiful letter, and I read it, and at the bottom, I crossed her name off, and I wrote my own name, and I sent it back to her. And I never heard from her ever again. Apparently, she didn't like what she wrote.
Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse
In my twenties I tried cocaine, which I instantly loved but eventually hated. Cocaine is terrific if you want to hang out with people you don’t know very well and play Ping-Pong all night. It’s bad for almost everything else.
I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.