Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 35
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
The beginning of my sin, if you will, was thinking that it was all a mistake and that I absolutely didn't deserve any of it. I'll tell you, bringing down my own creation that way was as grandiose a way of playing God as you could imagine.
Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.
She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
I asked my ex-girlfriend, “Do you think we’ll get back together?” She said, “I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.”
I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else.
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press 2 for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed 2 enough."
You've got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is someone who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen!" Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?! What are you stupid?!