Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 35

She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.

If you ever see me at a boat show or at a car show, blow my head off.

The beginning of my sin, if you will, was thinking that it was all a mistake and that I absolutely didn't deserve any of it. I'll tell you, bringing down my own creation that way was as grandiose a way of playing God as you could imagine.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

They can't even put the name in TV Guide.

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else.

You've got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is someone who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen!" Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?! What are you stupid?!

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: "I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up."

I still got my hair, I'm not fat.

That movie looks so bad, I can't believe I wasn't in it.

At my age flowers scare me.

If you ain't got no job and you ain't smokin no weed, I dont know what the fuck you are doing with yo life.

I think people are a little bit intimidated by me. You know, I'm not exactly a wilting flower, so I think they're a little bit scared of me sometimes.