Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 36
Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"
It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.
Now, each baby is different, but this baby, whom we will call Hypothetical...
I feel really grateful to have been part of what I considered a good TV show.
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.