Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 359

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

Any issues my parents went through are very prominent in the movie, even though they enjoyed a happy relationship. The story actually started for me when my mom told me a few years ago that because she got a job, she never made it to the World's Fair in New York, and that's a missed opportunity that always stayed with her.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Any guy that refers to dating women as "the hunt" or being "on the prowl" should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

I love mullets. The other day, in Pittsburgh, I saw the greatest mullet I've ever seen. I can't describe it. It was just the mullet of all time; complete 'business in the front, party in the back.' I've never seen anything like it.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know...

Bob Geldof…no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years.

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. "Goodnight, baby." "Do you think we were together in a past life?" "Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed." "Don't you feel like we're soul..."

Fuck that. If it's stupid, change it... If it's a dumb law, don't have it.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.