Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 360
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.
I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'
Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."
That is the international baseline of all humour. Farts. You can be as sophisticated as you like, but you have to admit farts are funny. You go, No, we don't actually agree. I saw a hilarious satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at the weekend, satirising EU farming policies. It was hilarious. Was it as funny as a fart? No, it wasn't. I saw Ian Hislop on television at the weekend satirising the government with his voice going up at the start of a sentence and then down at the end. It was hilarious. Was it? Was it as funny as some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse? No, it wasn't And nothing Ian Hislop ever says or does or secretly imagines, will be as funny as that.
With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in high school.
Talk about sexist - have you ever, ever, heard someone come up to a woman and say ‘find your masculine side?’ And by the way women, if you find your masculine side - I’m not interested.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
I had left home like all Jewish girls in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny finally and ultimately sated... but enough about the pork.