Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 360
She had a little quirk! A little glitch. We’d get into an argument, I would present my side of the argument. Her retort would invariably be to... punch me in the face.
I was raised half-Jewish and half-Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned… and you know my attorney, Mr. Cohen.”
He's a real loser. He moved into a new neighborhood and got run over by the Welcome Wagon.
Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
Joseph Cotten, who said, "You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me." Never got a dinner!
Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy. In fact, my wife almost never ate either.So where did these craving come from? I concluded it's the baby, ordering in.
Any guy that refers to dating women as "the hunt" or being "on the prowl" should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
I can tell you now what I couldn't tell the studio then: Purely in case the movie was like a monster smash, I would have gotten too recognized.
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.