Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 361
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
You're finally old enough to go trick or treating by yourself, and then they gotta give you that talk. 'Alright, son, just go door to door and get the candy, that's all you gotta do. Just go get the candy. Knock on the door, go to the next house, get more candy, and it's all yours. Get to keep it all. Have fun, get lots of candy. Oh yeah, one more thing I forgot to tell you, son - be careful 'cause the candy might have razor blades in it.' Oh my God, what a horrible thing to tell an 18-year-old...
Being constructively critical is good, as long as your purpose is to improve your methods for future endeavors. Lying in bed and replaying failures and telling yourself you’re stupid is a tremendous disservice to your efforts and what you can offer the world.
I would actually go up during those; it was kind of scary for the people at first and then they were happy. Now, there's a couple amazing people out on the road like Pablo Francisco and Dane Cook is out there and they're building a huge audience with the craft of stand up comedy.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."
Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.
It was awkward and embarrassing, but you have to go through things, ... I got through it and I'm happy it's over with and I can move forward and start playing.
Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?
You know what so funny, this strike has been going on for a long time. It's lasted longer than the Civil Rights movement, what the hell is this? It's painfully obvious to me white people don't know how to protest. You need like an Al Sharpton, have a dream, go to the mountaintop, do something!
You know, a lot of people think that just cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you'll live a long live, maybe you will; but, why do people measure life by the years instead about how good the years were.
The thing about stand-ups is you can't really get good unless you're failing in front of a large number of people. That makes stand-up comedy unique: you need a tremendous amount of reserve within you to take the rejection from the audience, and without it, you can't do anything.