Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 361
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
I find your lack of intelligence endearing, but not in a way that would keep me from cheating on you constantly.
The thing about stand-ups is you can't really get good unless you're failing in front of a large number of people. That makes stand-up comedy unique: you need a tremendous amount of reserve within you to take the rejection from the audience, and without it, you can't do anything.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Being constructively critical is good, as long as your purpose is to improve your methods for future endeavors. Lying in bed and replaying failures and telling yourself you’re stupid is a tremendous disservice to your efforts and what you can offer the world.
I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'
I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.
I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?
Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.
Premature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."