Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 371
I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?
She reminds me of Roseanne before she was discovered. Darlene has that same clear point of view and a very dry, take-charge kind of attitude.
When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement.
Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.
Black cats don’t worry about going bald. We know we don’t have a lot of options, so we adapt to it pretty fast. Black cat will look in the mirror and say, “I’m bald… can’t be pulling no hair from over here and combing it over there… so I just shave this shit off.” White dudes they fight baldness to the death. I know a white guy with one hair, got it swirled all over his head.
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
As far as guys who perform onstage, I love Chris Rock. I'm kind of jaded on everyone else.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.