Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 371
For a long time, because it goes against the message that the advertising world sends to you, they were ashamed they didn't have the coolest clothes, the coolest cars, couldn't afford to go here, buy this and do that. I think we finally all got together and went, 'You know what? We like being this way.'
It eventually appeared to be me, cinematically. When I was writing it I was actually an author, you know, writing a book. ... But there certainly is a difference in energy between a younger man and an older man.
I knew the minute I met my wife, I looked at her and said, 'Oh my God, that is the woman I'm going to spend the next four to seven years with.'
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.
I dated this woman for three weeks, and then she told me that she had a penis. I thought we were just role-playing. It was unbelievable. I was so shocked and embarrassed by it, it took me three more weeks to convince her to start wearing condoms.
Jen said she'd never ever see me again. When I saw her again, she said it again.
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
You know, radio DJ's must really love to talk to theirselves. Especially when they have the graveyard shift. 'Hey this is Ellen with 89.1. It is currently three in the morning. There are few cars on the road. And it your still listening heres a little music to get you to dance...
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’
Take a drink from the water fountain. Water's running nice and brown. Tastes like an iron mine.