Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 371
All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."
I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.
If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose-fitting.
I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
I can't get the fuckin' trees, damn I will kill everyone in the world!
It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, "I'm a very good friend."
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
My dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin!
I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn’t want to be the tea party’s go-to comedian.
The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.