Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 372

I noticed you all were French, opposite of bonjour to you.

I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

You might be a redneck if you bring your dog to work with you.

New York acts like it's a big melting pot, 'cause it's like all the different cultures, 'Oh, we all melt together.' And then you move here and you realize it's not a melting pot at all. It's actually a bunch of pots that want to live next to their own kinds of pots and not talk to other pots.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

Four years working in clubs - that's what really made it for me - every night: doing it, doing it, doing it, getting bored and doing different ways, no pressure on you, and all the other comedians are drunken bums who don't show up, so I could try anything.

Revenge is for the weak so I have settled my vendettas with all of the kids who made my early life a living hell.

I could always make people laugh.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left?

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

Jordan's gonna have a case of "assus beatus redus". That's Latin for I'm gonna beat his ass until it glows.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".