Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 372
As far as gambling, just ask any of the dealers in the Las Vegas casinos and they'll tell you that woman can't play blackjack. They can't add up the cards fast enough.
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.
I can't get the fuckin' trees, damn I will kill everyone in the world!
I'm studying Kabbalah, which is really the essence of Jewish spirituality.
I feel like… I don’t have a wife, I don’t have a kids, but… I see rappers and I’m like, I know that’s fake. I know how much you make, this is all bullshit. But people are buying into it, and you shouldn’t have that power. I’m legit trying to make honest moves so that all of us can grow. I want to make a show where my sister can work on and become a producer because she can’t get in, no one’s leting her. I want to make things where people can actually grow. A place where people can actually be honest.
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
It takes 15,000 nuts to hold a car together, but only one to spread it all over the highway.
She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.
I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.
I'll never forget the day my mum said "Carl when I was your age I used to go to the movies with a bottle of water and some Sayo's." I was thinking "Shit. Mum's a loser." Imagine trying to crack onto someone at the movies. "G'day darl. Got a packet of Sayo's. Wash it down with a bottle of water."
Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.
Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.
And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older, you go to applesauce. And then you see these toddlers walking around with these Ziploc baggies full of Cheerios. Then you get to be my age, and the doctor wants you to start eating Cheerios to watch your cholesterol. Then you lose your teeth, you go to applesauce. I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.