Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 372

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.

They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, “Rub it on your dick and your dick gets bigger.” Great. Wouldn’t your hands get bigger too?

I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.

You know what the bodega is? It's the little Latin store, and they try to act like it's a grocery store. It has two aisles. And the guy, he always tries to help me, 'You looking for the bread?' I was like, 'Dude, I can see it right here, alright.' He's like, 'Hey, hey, it's in aisle two.' That's all you got, what are you talking about?

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

I appreciate the fact that Obama is the 'tech President'. I kinda like that, isn't that kinda cool? You see him, he's on his Blackberry. I'm like 'Is he playing BrickBreaker right now?'. He does like YouTube updates. Doesn't that have to be cool? Like you log in to your Myspace in the middle of the night and 'Oh fuck, Obama's on'. You can write to him 'Obama, what are you doing?'. 'Oh, I just downloaded that video of the kid shooting himself in the nipple with the paintball gun. You gotta see that. And I'm working on some legislation too'. 'Oh, good stuff. Obama, you on Facebook?'. 'Na, I got poked by a zombie and the Secret Service took me outta there, so...'.

In the locker room. Some dude is staying a conversation with me. "Hey not while you're drying your nutsack".

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"

I was driving back from Delaware to New York. Don't bother.