Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 373

I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."

I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.

I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.

Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

I just wanted to tell you why I grieve - but why I don’t despair.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

My dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin!

Depression can be a mirage.

I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.

This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain.