Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 373
There were four million people in the Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!
You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.
In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.
She reminds me of Roseanne before she was discovered. Darlene has that same clear point of view and a very dry, take-charge kind of attitude.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
To me, the most important thing in this age is just to let people be.
With all the trouble black people have, they try to forget on weekends. You've got to be good to make them laugh.
If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.
I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.