Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 382
I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit.
It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts. "'Great party Arj. Best party ever.' What a jerk!" "How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?" "Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman."
Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.
With all the trouble black people have, they try to forget on weekends. You've got to be good to make them laugh.
My father walked to school, 4'oclock every morning. With no shoes on. Up a hill, both ways in 5 feet of snow, and he was thankful.
I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.
All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.
There are bound to be some lies here, but I’ve been telling them so long they’ve become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened.
Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is "King."
Whats up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that shit... guys killing their wives. I don't understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don't they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole things gonna play out? Like, I'm gonna kill my wife, then I'm gonna get caught, then I'm gonna go to jail, then I'm gonna get fucked in the ass.
I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.