Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 39

You're thinking I'm homophobic; I hear it all the time. "Dave, you’re probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, Voice In My Head… I do not."” "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't love it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, because one time… during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times.

We're Mexican not Mexican't!

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.

I was driving in Manhattan. There's traffic, nobody's moving... The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. I decided that I'm gonna argue with this guy, but I'm gonna argue about something else. I'm not having his argument; I'm having mine. So, he's like, 'Go!' And I go, 'Well give me back my jacket!' And he stopped. I was like, 'Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You're stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back, now!' He got back in his car, and he locked his doors.

I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."