Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 406

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.

There's got to be structure and great comedy. When you start with that, everything else falls into place.

It changed my whole outlook. I lost a decade to self-pity, and the next thing I knew I was turning 40.

Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

I hate to judge everybody across the board.

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!