Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 406

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I'm Bo yo I'm the greatest rapper ever ever and I'll whether you weather, whether you think you better your not don't need a sweater I'm hot, I'm a really cool shorty who can really find your g-spot... what the fucks a g-spot.

Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

I advise treating the studio audience like a nightclub audience because that’s the reason you’re doing television – to get them to come see you in a nightclub.

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.

There are a couple of images I really love in this movie. One is crossing into Pakistan illegally to see a group of guys who ordinarily you'd think would want to kill you, but they want to be stand-up comedians.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

There are never enough I Love You's.

You walk into a strip club with a wad of cash; they all flock around you. Strippers are just pigeons with tits. They go where the bread is.

We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate, and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!