Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 407

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

I still get very scared when I step in front of a live audience.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom.

Hey, what do you expect from a culture that drives on parkways and parks on driveways?

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.

My wife gets mad because we'll be in the middle of something and I'll stop and say, 'No, I've got to write this down!' She'll say, 'No! We're in a discussion!' I say, 'I know, but it's hilarious!'

It’s a show that I hope feels intimate in theme, but bigger in presentation. I love Tim Minchin, Bill Bailey and Hans Teeuwen and I’m trying to synthesise elements of theatre into my show a little bit more. I want it to be surprising and rich and fun to watch, and maybe a little confusing. It’ll be very loud and very quiet and very sad and very happy, with things that have you leaving the theatre going, "what..." And not "what" with a question mark; just "what", period.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in it!

If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it’s not politics - and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy - but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, ‘That’s what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?’ But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, 'Bad monkey.'