Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 407

Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'Fuck that.'

J. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried - they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!

It changed my whole outlook. I lost a decade to self-pity, and the next thing I knew I was turning 40.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

I was goin' to clown if I won that money. I had some phone calls to make. One phone I had to make was to that ugly-ass heifer that turned me down in high school. 'Hello, is this Aisha? You don't remember me, bitch, but I just won $250,000. Remember that time I asked you to go to dinner and you told me you was allergic to fat people? Well, bitch, how you feel now? 'Cuz I'm allergic to bitches. Click!'

The way I figure, there are two types of people: those who get it and those who don't. If they get it, there's nothing to explain, and if they don't, there's no point in trying to explain. They don't get it. Move on.

According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I hate to judge everybody across the board.

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?

After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.

I'm the first to admit this whole salary thing is getting out of control. In the final analysis, it's still about the work.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?