Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 407
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
I was a 36C or D, and at 5' 1'', I knew that being a small person with big boobs standing in front of an audience was not going to be easy. It would be really hard to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me. Getting a breast reduction to prepare for my career was no different from people who work to get good grades to get into a good college to get into a good graduate school to get a good job. I went down to a B cup, and it was the best thing in the whole world.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.
I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.
In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?
The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.