Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 405

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go sometime in December.

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.

Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.

There's got to be structure and great comedy. When you start with that, everything else falls into place.

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

I was goin' to clown if I won that money. I had some phone calls to make. One phone I had to make was to that ugly-ass heifer that turned me down in high school. 'Hello, is this Aisha? You don't remember me, bitch, but I just won $250,000. Remember that time I asked you to go to dinner and you told me you was allergic to fat people? Well, bitch, how you feel now? 'Cuz I'm allergic to bitches. Click!'

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um – they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? There's another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.