Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 405
I dated around some, but I've always been a serial monogamist. I don't know how people date around a lot, and not want to stab themselves in the face with a sharp object.
Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.
You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.
The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Yes you can tell how good a guy is on bed by the way he dances. If a guy is excellent at dancing he’s also probably really great at having sex… with men… having anal sex.
Georgia was a great place to live, but I wanted to get out because I knew the opportunities for what I was doing - stand-up comedy and eventually acting - were in Los Angeles.
It's a constant battle between what your heart tells you, and what your brain tells you.
Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.
Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.