Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 405
Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.
I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.
You can buy liquor in a drive-thru store, but you can't smoke a joint in your own damn house.
Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.
Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.
I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.
Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.
When you give to American Throat Cancer or whatever, it's almost like you're trying to buy karma. But you don't feel good about it because you know most of that is going to mailers and buying pink ribbons. When you fucking actually change a life like that, I've never felt better. That's something that, hopefully, I'll be talking about when I'm up there.
Little kids ask questions every second. She must have asked a thousand questions in one block, and finally, I panicked. She went, 'What are those clouds made of?' I'm an idiot anyway - I go, 'Steam from a hot dog.'
I'm not interesting enough on my own that you'd want to see a film about me.
My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about, what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.
Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.