Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 415
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
And I don’t want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don’t get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that’s still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.
I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.
Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.
I took a course at Cal once called Statistical Analysis. And there was a guy in the course who used to make up all his computations and he never used Sigma. He used his own initials. 'Cause he was the standard deviation.
You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.
Animal experiments are no joke. Thank goodness scientists are finding better, more humane ways to develop treatments for cancer and other killer diseases.
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
I was a 36C or D, and at 5' 1'', I knew that being a small person with big boobs standing in front of an audience was not going to be easy. It would be really hard to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me. Getting a breast reduction to prepare for my career was no different from people who work to get good grades to get into a good college to get into a good graduate school to get a good job. I went down to a B cup, and it was the best thing in the whole world.