Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 415

I think it started when she said she's happier without me. I can't really blame her 'cause I'm happier without me!

One of the pluses of being married with no kids is that my wife can have more free time after she tucks me in.

When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here.

Intellectually, I think everyone really knows that women are funny, but it’s a weird thing that people keep trotting out.

I wish I had a condom on right now at the bar. If only I had a piece of disgusting, greasy rubber just strangling the base of my tallywacker with enough force to cause my eyes to fly out on springs, like someone from a Warner Brothers cartoon, and ripping out pubic hairs in eight different locations - what a night!

Animal experiments are no joke. Thank goodness scientists are finding better, more humane ways to develop treatments for cancer and other killer diseases.

I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.

A politician is a person skilled in the art of compromise. Usually an elected official who has compromised to get nominated, compromised to get elected, and compromised repeatedly to stay in office.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out - and you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: "Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?"

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Love is the only shocking act left on the face of the Earth.

It's nobody's business how you do something.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.