Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 414
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!
I took a course at Cal once called Statistical Analysis. And there was a guy in the course who used to make up all his computations and he never used Sigma. He used his own initials. 'Cause he was the standard deviation.
The reason I do what I do is because I was influenced by Steve Martin, by Woody Allen, by Bob Newhart, by Carol Burnett, by Lucille Ball.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'
I don’t come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.
Apparently the guards put sperm in Paris Hilton’s porridge when she was in prison. That’s got to be horrible for her. “Eurgh! There’s porridge in this!”
In my teens my folks used a drone look-alike kite to see if I was masturbating too much.
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
I love anybody funny - even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit - just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of life.