Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 416
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.
I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
"Yeah my dad was a Women's Rights Activist." "Your dad?" "Yup." "Not your mum?" "No... Dad would have never allowed that."
I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
I've got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.
What they have at Chuckie Cheese that we dont have at our house, you wanna see a mouse... stand there... pull the refrigerator out the wall.
I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.
So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.
The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
You know what the bodega is? It's the little Latin store, and they try to act like it's a grocery store. It has two aisles. And the guy, he always tries to help me, 'You looking for the bread?' I was like, 'Dude, I can see it right here, alright.' He's like, 'Hey, hey, it's in aisle two.' That's all you got, what are you talking about?