Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 416
I was a 36C or D, and at 5' 1'', I knew that being a small person with big boobs standing in front of an audience was not going to be easy. It would be really hard to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me. Getting a breast reduction to prepare for my career was no different from people who work to get good grades to get into a good college to get into a good graduate school to get a good job. I went down to a B cup, and it was the best thing in the whole world.
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, “YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?! YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET! MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!! I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!”
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Gotta love whitewater rafting. Ten of us are going. Eight will come back. Don’t forget to wear your toe tag. Sometimes the bodies don’t float down the river for a week or so.
I would actually go up during those; it was kind of scary for the people at first and then they were happy. Now, there's a couple amazing people out on the road like Pablo Francisco and Dane Cook is out there and they're building a huge audience with the craft of stand up comedy.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
My friends like to tell me before they fart like it's important. They get really excited, like I wanna know about it. "Jeez I'm gonna fart." "Don't do it in here ya dickhead there's no windows." Or they tell you after they've done it. "I just farted." But nobody ever tell's you while their doing it. That'd be a bit weird going "I'm farting! (Pause) Still goin'!"