Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 416
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.
The nervousness never lasted more than a second because he was so congenial and comfortable. He made more stars on his show, probably, than anybody in the whole history of show business.
You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
This is my life, man! You can’t tell me how to talk about my life. People come with that kind of arrogance like, “you need to be talking about this.” I say, “well you need to go listen to Christian comedy then.” It’s like listening to Christian rock, it just doesn’t count. You can either sing gospel or Catholic Church music, stay away from rock. You can’t rock a solo to Jesus, I’m sorry. No, I’m listening to Zeppelin dude.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.