Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 426
When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.
Imagine people calling you to find out if you're dead. I've led a real crazy life at times, and I've had many strange things happen to me, but that was one of the strangest.
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And we elected him the second time, the whole world went "what the fuck is going on with you people?"
I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.
Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did it ever come in handy? Did you ever say "Well thank God my underarms stunk! He came out of the bushes and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!"
When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.
I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.
Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.