Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 426

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

It's nobody's business how you do something.

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

Blacks and Mexicans do the dumbest shit. The dumbest genocide. Killing each other other fuckin' gang territory that doesn't even belong to us. But when its comes to those crazy "I'll kill 30 kids, bury them under my house and dress up like a clown", white people you take the cake on that shit... Of all the people who got fired from the post office and came to shoot the post office up, how many of them were Black or Mexican? None. And we get fired all the fucking time.

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.

I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.