Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 425

It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

Look at that! It's a park, and there's a white guy and a black guy and an Asian guy and a Latino guy. And that guy, he's Canadian - don't worry about him, they never affect the world much at all.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn.

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "guns"? Congressional hearing. "Oh, my God, that nigger said gun, and he rhymed it with fun"!

I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

I think about suicide every fucking day of my life and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea.

My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.

I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about.