Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 425
The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"
Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.
What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.”
One of the first things you ever learn as a stand-up is don't show fear.
The average comedian is kind of an observer looking at everyday things that everyone could relate to and then trying to find the exaggeration in those things.
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
I'm a big guy, but I'm really simple with the food. I'll hit the In-N-Out or just the regular buffets.
When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.
The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And we elected him the second time, the whole world went "what the fuck is going on with you people?"