Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 425
In comedy, looking back is more important than looking around at your contemporaries because they are too much influenced by the same time period as you are.
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.
Keep your complements to yourself. I get the worst complements. “Oh, you’re Asian. I love orange chicken!” That’s not a compliment.
I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.
The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
Some days I think I look kind of cute, but other days I try to avoid the mirror.
Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."