Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 430
If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
Customs is punishment for those who travel. This will teach you for traveling to our country!
Remember those magical nights Cynthia... we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.
I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.
I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to usher the program through its early stages of growth. For 10 years I have approached my responsibilities with pride and with passion. It has been a tremendous experience to work with our amazing student-athletes.
I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
I want you to remember, behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.
Why do they put the little "on/off" words on a light switch? If the light's on, you can see that it's on. If the light's off, it's too dark to see the words on the switch.
I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.
In America, if we're speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother's Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.