Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 430
It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.
There are so few women in general who aren't completely threatened and confused by other women's success. It's very disappointing.
Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."
I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.
I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.
I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.
They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.
These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me - I've just been cutting onions. I'm making a lasange... for one.
No one cares, no one sympathsizes, you just stay home and play synthisizers.
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.