Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 430
I was an actor in college and it was much easier than being a waiter. I thought it was fun to get paid. People were not exactly surprised to see me going in the field.
Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.
In comedy, looking back is more important than looking around at your contemporaries because they are too much influenced by the same time period as you are.
I'd pick a young white guy over an old white guy for president anytime because the younger guy is more likely to have been influenced by the great social changes of the '60s and '70s.
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
What's your name again? That's right. I'm so glad you know your name.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
It’s about something that strikes you as funny but I do it with a Christian world view: why we think the way we do based on God’s plan. I lift up my God and my country and I resist political correctness.
I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.