Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 431

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

In America, if we're speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother's Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

I don't believe any particular ethnic group is smarter than any other group.

I called them up, "Ya, I have ten boxes; can you come pick them up?" "We need to know the weight and the girth." "Okay, good-bye." So I called back. "We need the weight and the girth." "Okay, I don't know what the weight is, and um, I don't know what girth means... So now what's the procedure?" So this guy talks to me like I'm four years old. "Well do you have a bathroom scale?" "Uh, ya but if I put the box on the scale it's gonna cover up the numbers!" What, do I take it off really quick? Ah, zero: I'm not fast enough. What's he talking about? So then he gives me his Mister Wizard Formula, "How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself and get off the scale. Pick up the box, get back on, weigh you and the box together, and subtract your own weight." I'm going, "Slow down. Hold on professor." I know this guys never tried this, because I tried it and you still can't see the numbers! Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula.

Humans cannot produce viable offspring with our closest animal cousin: the chimpanzee. We cannot impregnate a chimp. So you know what that means? No condoms.

I couldn't get away with Halloween pranks 'cause my parents owned the health food store. So, it was so easy to bust me. I was the only kid on the block egging houses with those big 'ole brown eggs. Like, you didn't have to be a detective to figure it out. 'Oh, I wonder who Tofuttied my mailbox. Is it the same evil genius who filled my bird bath with Rice Dream?'

I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'

People thought this would be an award show - but we couldn't get anybody to open up the envelopes. I've been backstage at a lot of rock concerts, and I've never seen musicians run away from white powder before!

I ain't no movie star, man. I'm a booty star.

I'd pick a young white guy over an old white guy for president anytime because the younger guy is more likely to have been influenced by the great social changes of the '60s and '70s.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.

They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’'s a dog. Don’'t waste my time.”

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.