Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 451

First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

Why hate someone for the colour of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

I was working recently in London - what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates - the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

I never got a birds and the bees speech as a child. The closest thing I ever got - one time, my dad was cooking breakfast; he's like, 'Sex is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, crack her over the head and lay her out flat, alright? Come on now - wait 'til she starts sizzlin' really good, then you can flip her on over - there ya go. Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.'

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.

There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”

Ahhh, where is my face?! I lost so much face on that show, I don't even exist anymore!

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many fucking questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you fucking win that argument.