Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 451
The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
You work your butt off and somebody says you can't have your record played because it offends them. Tyrants are made of such stuff.
Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing "Maria" from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.