Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 450
Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to fuck themselves.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
If anything happens to me tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
If what you've done is stupid, but it works... then it really isn't all that stupid.
I observe everything around me and when something hits me and it’s funny, that’s what I talk about. I’m a more observational kind of comic.
Imagine people calling you to find out if you're dead. I've led a real crazy life at times, and I've had many strange things happen to me, but that was one of the strangest.
I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.
I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules.
I hate when comedians use "Performed For The Troops" as one of there credits before they go up on stage.
I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I've done a lot of stuff. I don't know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching a show. This was the head of the studio putting a puppet show on. And I'll tell you, he wasn't bad.
I can't shop for young kids. My good friends are angry at me because I bought their 5 yr-old a boy a "scene of the accident" coloring book.