Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 456
Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.
It changed my whole outlook. I lost a decade to self-pity, and the next thing I knew I was turning 40.
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
If what you've done is stupid, but it works... then it really isn't all that stupid.
Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.
It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary... but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"
Every little kid has always wanted to be a race car driver. This gets some of that out.