Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 457
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I have one show biz picture in my house. It's with Mr. Hope. I have asked for one autograph in my life: Mr. Hope's.
My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.
I think the more you do this and the more comfortable you become on stage, you start speaking more and becoming more of a character in yourself.
I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.
You can't touch the strippers. Why are you paying to not touch someone? That is weird. How do you win in that situation? That is like walking into a deli, starving, and being like, 'Here's $300 - can I stare at the roast beef? Better yet, I'll sit down in this chair and you can mash it around my mouth and balls.'
It's the competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, 'Alright, Kalkrovich, we fill these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third story window in 30 seconds.'
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?