Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 457
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, "How's it going with that girl?" "One day at a time, man."
I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.
Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He had written the note on the back of his parole card.
Now, I'm no scientist, but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? It's Science.
I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
But some people want attention so bad they want you to see them angry at you.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.