Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 467

You shoot saltwater in your ass?

I had one DWI, which was a bogus charge, because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle driving down that particular sidewalk. That’s profiling. And profiling is wrong.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.

Drugs killed him, but they didn’t ruin his life by any stretch.

Going to get a dog and name him, "I don't want to live anymore", then walk around calling him.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap - you take your soap for a walk, you compliment the soap for a little while and then, suddenly, you just start hacking it up with a hunting knife.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.

If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.

Remember those magical nights Cynthia... we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.

I don't wanna be a Pirate!

I feel like every time I go out, I want to do a good job. I want people to say that he's just as good at stand-up as he is in some of the movies I've seen him in, so I try to do the best every time I go out there.