Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 469
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
I’ve been going up and bombing everywhere. It’s great. I love it. It’s hilarious.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go sometime in December.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.
J. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried - they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!
Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.
Men don't realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
A “Nerd” is someone who homes in on a topic to an almost quantum detail, much of the time at the expense of healthy social interaction.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
Terry was so angry; she kept saying we have to meet with these people at parent-teacher conferences. But in the midst of this anger, I realized there's something funny about the way these pieces affect my life, and I realized there was a show in this, a hybrid where you could see the hidden cameras juxtaposed with this normal domestic life that I lead.
It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.