Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 469

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Honestly, so much of my book is about the best things in my life have happened since I'm 40.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was "Hang up, I got it!"

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

I told my girl friend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, "Get off me."

I was always working, so I would get reading done very late at night a lot of times.

When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’

The unfairness of life is indicative of trees. I planted twenty trees on the same block. It's so fucking weird. Six became huge. One is giant. And there are some little shitty ones. Same soil. Same water. Same seed. But those little ones just don't grow. I can't explain it.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm most proud to be known as a kind person... Because kindness spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.

If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.

It's the hand job of cereals 'cause it's like, 'This is pretty good, but you know what I really want.'