Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 470

I woke up one morning, got dressed, and my wife asked me, “Where you going?”, I said, “I’ve got my yearly physical today.” “I’ll go with you!” OK, how boring is your day? I’d never go with her to her physical! Seen it! It’s not like we’d be breaking any new ground! It’s not like I’d go, “Hey Doc, what’s that?”

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

Terry was so angry; she kept saying we have to meet with these people at parent-teacher conferences. But in the midst of this anger, I realized there's something funny about the way these pieces affect my life, and I realized there was a show in this, a hybrid where you could see the hidden cameras juxtaposed with this normal domestic life that I lead.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

The other night I was working, some white boy caught me in the hallway, “I’ve seen your show. I love what you do. But you make me feel so guilty. Must everything be race?” <br /> I said, “Yes, everything.”<br /> “Then you must think I’m the devil.”<br /> “No. But you’ll do until the real one gets here.”

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly. Crap must have been the worse word available when that game was invented. If they invented it today, they’d have to call it “motherfucker.”

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go sometime in December.

I don't do these things to be mean, I do them to make money.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"