Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 470
I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.
My fate is very precarious. I don't want the show to suffer because I may not be able to come back next week.
I also say that if there isn't a response to what's been happening to the people out there, there's going to be a great explosion one of these days, and this will not be one of the nicest places to live.
When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred-dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.
Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn't believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.
At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.
I told my girl friend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, "Get off me."
You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.
I rewrote it and I took all your notes. Read it again, that kind of persistence paid off.
On a good night, I'm just into the flow and seeing the pictures and words in my mind clearly before I say them. On a bad night, which to be honest are nowhere near as bad as when I was starting out, I just concentrate on performing the routines correctly. I focus on my delivery.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'