Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 471
From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.
Home is wherever I am. People make too big a deal about where you live. I try to be grounded in myself. Home is another way of saying 'a place where you keep all your stuff'.
We're afraid to move on, that's why there's so much nostalgia on the internet... 'cause we don't wanna look forward, that's scary.
Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.
You listen to the world, you'll hear McDonald's say that eatin' there is like a symphony of taste. Yeah, my butt's the wind instrument and the fart's the whole note.
The other night I was working, some white boy caught me in the hallway, “I’ve seen your show. I love what you do. But you make me feel so guilty. Must everything be race?” <br /> I said, “Yes, everything.”<br /> “Then you must think I’m the devil.”<br /> “No. But you’ll do until the real one gets here.”
I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.
I don’t really go to record stores much anymore. The internet has spoiled me. I’d rather just hit up iTunes. You never know what could happen when you go into a store - somebody might pull a Tonya Harding on you and break your knee cap. And now you got your knees all fucked up just ‘cause you wanted to get that vinyl.
Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?
The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, "Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?" He's like, "I hope you die first."