Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 483
Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
I got a pit bull from a shelter, so my whole life is centered on this dog, and I've been writing a lot of dog jokes. I should probably give up now, because I'm writing jokes about my dog.
There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow more precious than a pot of gold.
I immediately fire back to them; I write 'sysph.' And they write back and go, 'What does sysph mean?' And I write back, 'Shut your stinking pie hole.'
You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.
By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".
You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going.
[Talking about her husband Doug] He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else... I never lied better.