Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 483
What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'
Look, anybody can tell a joke, so a lot of a comedian’s success is about energy and engagement. A real comic sells himself first and his joke second. So how do you do that? Get your swagger. Know what you’re doing. Be prepared. Be fresh. Be “on.”
If God wanted you to eat Puerto Rican Food, he would have lined your stomach with Pepto Bismol.
When we say we want you to get in touch with your feminine side, we really mean you need to touch our clit.
Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.
If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.
I had one DWI, which was a bogus charge, because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle driving down that particular sidewalk. That’s profiling. And profiling is wrong.
I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.
I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.
My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!