Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 482
The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself.
I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."
Your father loves you. But, he doesn't like you. His job is to tell you you suck and are worthless so that when you get out there on your own you don't end up sucking worthlessly. He makes you a better man so that one day you will have the strength and character to stand up to him. And give him the finger. But just pray on that day he doesn't have the strength and character to break that finger off. Ow. I thought he was sleeping.
Sometimes you can make friends, and sometimes you can take friends. Sometimes people want to be friends with you, and you gotta be like, 'Okay, I can deal with this person's personality and be their friend, but not necessarily do I have to change who I am. I'm not gonna change myself to be their friend.'
As a director and an actor, I encourage improvisation but in character and in the moment of what it is.
If it had just been some femme fatale, I think this whole thing could have been settled. You know, if it had just been like a beautiful woman.
It's the hand job of cereals 'cause it's like, 'This is pretty good, but you know what I really want.'
Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'
When I want to see the people I grew up with, most of the time I just go to the morgue.
You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went "wait, don't curse".