Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 482
Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.
Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Salt we got plenty. Coffee we need." Never got a dinner!
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.