Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 484

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.

When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.'

I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'

Rejection kills, disappointment only maims.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

There's something about doing stand-up that's cathartic.

Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

The only thing we've found since we've been in Iraq is $700 million. Remember that story? The two sergeants found $700 million in a cave. And I knew they was white boys soon as I heard they gave all that money back... If that was me, I would've reported it, but it would've been a different amount. I'm like, 'Yo yo yo, Captain! Yo, listen, we just found $48.92.'