Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 484

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Customs is punishment for those who travel. This will teach you for traveling to our country!

After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things - first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms... both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.

I was a loner and never hung out with anyone. I never had any friends.

Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!

I think its time to go to a library and face the facts.

The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And we elected him the second time, the whole world went "what the fuck is going on with you people?"

I was 12 years old when I had my first job, delivering packages.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Do you know? What the fuck do women want? l know what you want: everything.