Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 485
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
You don’t even know what they’re selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself - 'Buy a bike!'
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
What I have in common with the character in "Truman" is this incredible need to please people. I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started.
Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.
Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.
A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.
I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'