Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 485

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

I like showing different types of comedy - showing that I could tell a story, or showing that I could do a one-liner, showing I could do stuff about music – so just trying to be versatile and talking about different topics.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I had one DWI, which was a bogus charge, because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle driving down that particular sidewalk. That’s profiling. And profiling is wrong.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'

Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.'

What is a stealth bomber? It's a bomber that doesn't show up on radar, and you can't see it. Then we don't need one.

People expect me to do the classics, and it is a lot like playing a favorite song.

Video games are so popular these days, getting the opportunity to star in one is something special. More people should do it.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?’

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.