Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 488
The only thing we've found since we've been in Iraq is $700 million. Remember that story? The two sergeants found $700 million in a cave. And I knew they was white boys soon as I heard they gave all that money back... If that was me, I would've reported it, but it would've been a different amount. I'm like, 'Yo yo yo, Captain! Yo, listen, we just found $48.92.'
Rise and grind... the money ain't gonna wait for you while you sleep son.
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
You rarely hear anyone use the word "pancreas" in a not-horrible context.
Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?
I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.
Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist... who cares, the tits are out.
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument, and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
Doormen are kind of invisible, people don't know their names. They just say, Thank you, or Good morning. I'd never thought about doormen before. They're a vanishing breed. More electronic doors are being introduced.
When I've mentioned things that I thought only happened to me, or thoughts that I felt had only had crossed my mind, the audience response indicated that they seemed to have happened to, or been thought of by many people.