Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 488

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you are superman.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.

I love doing stand-up, because it gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say. I think that's why it's my favorite thing to do.

My parents were very protective of me. Whenever I went to cross the street, they would get very excited and start making bets.

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

America is a bunch o' bullies. tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe - dare I dream it? - maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die?

Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, "No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat!" Never got a dinner!

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Guys don't do that when they go out. Guys don't wear outfits that feature the dong.